Portlaoise is the principal town of County Laois in the Irish midlands. The county is the only one – of 32 – with no English translation of its name. It is also, as every local schoolchild could once rattle off, the only county in Ireland that touches a county that doesn’t touch the sea. The county name derives from Laoiseach Ceannmore, an ancient historical personage whose name may be translated as Laoiseach, great leader, but definitely not, as one linguistic wag with the cúpla focal had it, Laoiseach with the big head.

A tributary of the River Barrow, the Triogue (once called the Blackwater) flows through our town and, as far back as 1999, the Environmental Protection Agency conferred on it the dubious distinction of being Ireland’s fifth-most-polluted waterway.

Laois County Council's website paints an idyllic picture of our town parks: ‘... places of peace and tranquillity... safety and comfort... many native trees, birds and wildlife... a walkway will bring people along the edge of the River Triogue.’ The path by the river in the grandly-titled River Triogue Linear Park is, in fact (Summer 2015), fringed with nettles, and the river itself so overgrown that it is, in places, practically invisible. It is thus a serious health and safety hazard, especially for children. Wildlife? Apart from scavenging crows and the odd butterfly, all I've ever seen there are unleashed dogs being a nuisance and a potential danger to people. But let’s leave the Triogue to find its own way towards Mountmellick while we travel back the best part of half a millennium...

© John Dunne